Feeling
by chocomint0512
Summary: I surrendered to him once… I gave him everything… I know…I'm hurting myself.


Story Note: Another one-shot for you guys..

Story:

It's still early. Too early if I may say. I look to my left, to the tiny light from my digital alarm clock placed on the bedside table. It's only three in the morning. Three in the morning and here I am…eyes wide open. I look to my right once I felt his strong arms pull me closer to him. I sigh inwardly as I roll my body, facing him.

Even in the darkness like this, I still can see his gorgeous face. No, _see_ is not the right word. I don't have to see him because I remember every inch of his face by heart. I remember…because every time I close my eyes, his face automatically appears in my mind.

His warm embrace makes me wonder about the reason behind our so-called relationship…if I can even call what we have a special relationship. Because as far as I can remember, we only have this physical relationship without any emotion attach to it. Yes, I am only one of his bed partners.

Everything started on the day I stepped inside his office for the first time. He is my boss. I am his personal assistant. As the owner of the biggest multinational company, he patiently taught me to do every single task appointed to me. His polite demeanor, his respect to each and every employee, his ability to see and grab every business opportunity, his professionalism, all these make him who he is. He holds the biggest business kingdom in his hand. He has a great future ahead of him despite his young age. Those are only some reasons for which I admire him.

As his personal assistant, I handle all aspects of his schedule. I know when he has a meeting. I know when he has his coffee break. I know when has have fun with his friends. Daily interaction with him gave me the opportunity to know everything about him. I even know what time he goes to sleep. I know what time he wakes up every morning. I know his favorite foods. I know his favorite place to hang out. I know what type of women he likes.

Oh yes…he is the biggest playboy, a Casanova. I can't blame him. He is young and beyond rich. His dangerous-charming dimpled smile can weaken any female's knees. His well build body always screams for attention. His piercing eyes are part of his charm. Everything about him…from head to toe…is hard to resist. I know…that a lot of women fall under his allure. And I one of them. No one can escape from So Yi Jeong's charm.

It started with curiosity, and eventually envy enveloped me. He could easily pick one of those women and they would fly to his arms almost immediately. I wondered how it felt to be touched by him when his long fingers traced my body. I wondered how his lips would feel against mine. I wonder how it feels to be in his arms. I envy to those women. But he never sees me. I know…I'm not that tall. I'm not that pretty. I am a far cry from his usual type. I wonder if he even sees me as a woman, and not only as his personal assistant.

I wished, even if only once, he would see me as a woman. I am crazy…I let myself fall under his charm. And that day, I couldn't hold myself back. We were celebrating our success in winning a huge contract. He brought the team to celebrate at one of the most prestigious clubs. While he enjoyed the night with the other members of the staff, I just kept silent and drank the liquor in my glass. I forgot how many glasses I took that night. But then I found myself in his arms, he carried me bridal style down the corridor towards my apartment. I remember his intoxicating masculine perfume filling my nostril. I remember he gently laid me on my bed.

Before he could leave, I pulled him in a kiss. By the time our lips met, I knew I was sober enough for it. We broke the kiss after some time and I saw it, his eyes told me that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. Despite being slightly drunk it was enough for me. It was enough for me to surrender myself to him that night. He was gentle to me since he knew it was my first time, and we danced all night long in sinful pleasure.

Since that night, he regularly comes to my apartment. Sometimes he spends the night in it. We are comfortable with each other's presence. He is gentle, sweet and caring. He shows his hidden personality, which never reveals in front of a lot of people, to me. I can't help but falling even more in love with him. But I know him too well. We have nothing to keep us bound together. No emotions…no romance…nothing. Our so-called relationship is not changing our professionalism. He is still my boss and I am still his personal assistant.

Now I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he will leave me once he's bored of me. I don't know how I will react when the time comes. Because I know…deep down in my heart, I love him. I love the man who will never return my feeling. This hurts me, but I can't let go. I don't know what would happen to me if he left me. I don't know what would happen to me if this 'relationship' ended. Would I be the same again? Would I able to heal the wound in my heart?

I've been thinking, several times, that one day I will have to leave this relationship. I have to run from him as far as I can. I have to save myself from him before I'm broken. But every time I see him, I surrender again…again and again. I know I'm stupid. I know I'm crazy. I should hate him but I can't. I love him too much. So my heart wins again. I'll stay and savor the moment. I'll savor everything he can offer to me.

-o0o-

"Aish…where is it?" I ask myself as I open different drawers in my apartment.

"I still have some…that, I know for sure." I say to myself.

"What are you looking for?" I hear his too familiar voice as he hugs me from behind.

I can smell his masculine scent as he keeps hugging me, refusing to let go.

"I…I'm looking for my pills." I say to him.

Yes, to keep from getting pregnant, I use pills. I started to use the pills after the first time we slept together. I want to be with him for as long as I can. To prevent him from running away from me, I use the pills.

"I'm sure I still have some." I say again to him.

"You mean the pills in the small brown bottle?" I hear him ask.

"Yes. That one…where did you see it?"

"It's on your dressing table."

"Great. Thanks!" I exclaim, as I release myself from his embrace and go back to my room to get them.

I bring the bottle to the kitchen and drink one of the pills. I know he is watching me, but I'm already used to it. Sometimes I catch him watching me wander around doing my activities. But this time, there is something different in his eyes, something that I've never seen before. I take a deep breath before I approach him.

"Are you alright?" I ask him

"Ga Eul-yang, can we talk?" he asks me in a very serious tone

It surprises me. I can't utter a word. I look straight into his eyes, hoping to see the answer there, but there is none. I see him taking a deep breath before he leads me to the couch.

He lets me sit down comfortably before he kneels in front of me, holding my hands in his.

"I…"

"Is it time?" I cut his words

"What?"

"Is it time for us to end this? This is what you're going to say? You are going to say that we should end this so-called relationship. You are going to say that you're leaving, right?" I say to him in a tiny voice

It's better for me to hear it as fast as I can if he is going to say that. But he only smiles at my words.

"No, that's not it." he stops a moment before he speaks again, letting me absorb his words.

"Ga Eul-yang, I know I've never been a good person to begin with. You've been working _for_ me…more than that; you've been working _with_ me for a few years. I'm sure you know me very well. People know me for my business skill and my title as Casanova. I've always wondered…what you think about me. Who am I in your eyes?"

Hearing his question leaves me stunned for a moment. I never expected him to ask me that kind of question. He looks straight into my eyes, waiting for my answer. I compose myself before answering him.

"I…admire you. For such a young person, you have everything in your hands. Everything that could make everyone on earth envy you. You have this ability to see and grab the opportunity. You have great skills regarding business. You are the owner of the biggest business kingdom, but you still give respect to for your employees. I've never seen you treat them unfairly. You respect their rights. So, nobody will question their loyalty to you and the company." I stop a moment before I continue

"Some people maybe see you as the biggest Casanova…a cold blooded Casanova. But I don't see you as one. I know that you are different from what they imagine. You are…kind…gentle…caring…warm. Even though a lot of my friend told me differently, I didn't care about it…because I know you better than them. You are my boss but I also consider you my friend. You are the one who listen to my rants. You are the one who cheers me up when I'm sad. You are the one who helps me with my difficulties at work. You are the one who supports me and I'm very grateful to have you as my boss." I end my speech as I look into his eyes.

I wish I could tell him more than that. I wish I could tell him that I love him. I wish I could tell him I treasure him, but somehow I can't say any of it.

"From all the people on Earth, you will be the only one who can see everything in a different perspective. Thank you, for seeing me differently. Ga Eul-yang…what you think about us?" he asks me.

I can't believe my own eyes. He's asking me about _us_.

"Us?" I ask him in return; I just want to make sure that my hearing is good

"Yes. What you think about _us_?"

I take my time to think about my answer. This is my opportunity to tell him my true feelings. Truth to be told, I almost can't keep this feelings to myself anymore. Whatever the result is…I just want to be honest to him. I want him to know about my feelings. I want him to know what I think about us. Moreover, he's been holding my heart for a long time, and I want him to know it.

"I know you very well. I know your style. I know that outside there…lots of women are waiting for you. They are waiting for you to notice them. You didn't get your Casanova title for nothing. Nobody can escape your charm. Not even me. I wondered if you'd ever notice me as a woman, not only as your personal assistant. When I know that in the end you noticed me, I let myself fall deeper and deeper for you. I realize that we…we have nothing more than a physical relationship. We are nothing but bed partners. I realize that one day…this is going to be over." I stop for a moment to compose myself again as I look into his eyes.

"But…I also realize that…I can't run from you. I can't bring myself run away from you. Even though I know that I might get hurt in the end. I found the other side of So Yi Jeong that always draws me back to you. The other side of you that's very different from what others might think. The other side of you treats me differently. You make me feel unexplainably comfortable and secure. I…treasure that side of you. I can't help but to fall in love with you. I gave you everything, down to the most precious thing in my life. I gave you my heart a long time ago." I end my speech as I hold back my tears.

"What about you? What you think about me…and _us_?" it's my turn to ask him

"I think…you are special. You are different from those women. You are not a random woman who will easily throw herself to a jerk like me. You are a woman who will never deserve to be treated wrongly. You are the type of a woman I should avoid. But somehow…I found it's relaxing to talk to you. I found…the comfort I need in you. I found…the strength I need in you. You support me in every way without questioning my decisions, not because you are afraid of me but because you respect my decisions. I know that you'll be there for me even when I fall. No one ever do that for me."

"Eventually, I found that I become myself when I am around you. You are the one who unlocked the other side of me, the real me. You have a huge power over me that draw me back to you each and every time…even without you realizing and it scared me. I was afraid of you. You made me feel these new emotions. I was afraid of this kind of feelings but…somehow I like it. This scares me even more. I was afraid I would hurt you, because I know I don't want to hurt you. I can't hurt you because…I'm afraid of losing you."

"I can't afford to lose you. You are too precious to me. I was afraid that one day you'd get sick of this situation and leave. I don't want you to leave because…I always imagined having you in my arms every single day. I…imagined myself…building a family with you" I gasp at his words. I can't control my tears anymore. I let them fall freely. There is still hope for me…for _us_. Gently, he wipes my tears away.

"I always imagined us having a family of our own. Ga Eul-yang, I never take big steps like this but I'm willing because of you. Because finally, I know that I'm falling in love with you. I left the old me behind. Today, I'm offering myself to you. Will you giving me a chance to properly escort you?"

I really can't control myself again. I am beyond happy. I take some time to stop my tears from falling. Once I am calm enough, I look into his eyes. His eyes tell me everything. He is being sincere. I know that I can believe him. This is like a dream come true. I always dreamed he would confess his feeling to me and today he really did. He was telling the truth; he left his old self behind. I didn't ever hear of him playing around with other woman since we got together. No…I have no doubt. I can assure myself that he will never take his words back.

"Yes…I will give you the chance." I say to him softly

"Thank you…Ga Eul-yang… will you spend the rest of your life with me?" he pulls out a velvet box from his pocket and opens it for me.

I gasp once the box reveals a very beautiful diamond ring that shines under the morning light. I look to the ring and then into his eyes.

"I thought you were going to properly escort me." I say to him teasingly

"Don't worry, I will. I just want to make sure that every man on earth knows that you're taken"

"I sense jealousy." I teas him again

"I just want to prevent myself from doing something harmful to those poor men." he states calmly.

I slap his arm playfully which earn me a soft chuckle.

"So…Ms. Chu Ga Eul, prepare yourself to become Mrs. So" he says to me as he slips the ring onto my finger.

END

Author's Note:

Created on February 20, 2012, Beta-d by one of author from LU and originally posted on LU.


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